The Twister Twins
by Kailor Aurelius
Summary: Tsunade decides Konoha has gotten too boring and calls in some professional pranksters.
1. Prologue

**Kailor: Sorry, all my normal readers. But I needed to take a break from Sword and the Needle. It was killing my brain, lol. So here's something new! But don't worry, I will go back.**

**Naruto: Finally! Something for my world. :D**

**Nuriko: Still no Miaka and me love. T.T**

Tsunade jumped as the door of her office opened. Shizune stopped, gazing suspiciously at the Hokage who was bent over her desk, her ample bosom pressed against the hardwood.

"What're you doing, Tsunade-sama?"

"Uh, nothing?"

"Liar. What are you up to?"

Tsunade glanced around then motioned her assistant forward, leaning in conspiratorially. Shizune quickly crossed the room and bent her ear to Tsunade's level. "I have a plan."

"What plan?"

"This town is getting too uptight. After the war and all this good stuff people have gotten boring. They just went back to their little lives and there's no more fun!"

"What do you suggest?"

"I'm not suggesting anything. It's already done." Tsunade grinned devilishly. "I've recruited a few select ninjas to start pulling pranks around here and generally spice things up. It's time we had some partying going on in Konoha!" She sat back, revealing what her bosom had hidden: an open bingo book. Shizune's eyes widened at the names on top the pages she had it turned to.

"Oh, no-"

"Hokage-sama? You have visitors." A voice called from just outside the door.

"I don't have time for village nonsense!" Tsunade slammed her fists into the desk. "I'm saving us all here!"

"Uh, ok Hokage-sama," the voice replied, sounding wary. "But they said you called them here."

"Oh. Well, in that case, send them in! How dare you keep honored guests waiting!"

"Uh, yes, Hokage-sama."

The door opened and two heads popped in. They both had dark red hair and mismatched eyes. The boy and girl had matching grins. "Tsunade!"

Shizune watched the twins gallop into the room and hug the Hokage tight. They looked to be in their late teens or early twenties. The girl wore a tight tank top of red and black pants that hung low on her hips. The boy's pants were the same but her wore a black mesh guard that ended at his wrists under a skin tight red t-shirt. Shizune edged towards the door. She'd read the profile about these two in her bingo book and knew it was time to get out.

Too late.

"This is Shizune, guys." Tsunade spoke up, catching the brunette just as she reached the door. "Shizune, meet Akito and Akira Fox. I'm sure you've heard of them."

"Of course," Shizune bowed quickly, nervously eyeing the pair. They were known more widely as the Twister Twins because where they traveled, chaos tended to pursue. They were S ranked ninjas and wanted in numerous towns in every country. There were no pictures in the bingo book but she had expected them to be older since they'd first made their way into the ninja book seven years earlier and they looked like they were probably preteens at that time. Ok, scary thought.

Akito, the boy, gave a flourishing bow. His right eye shown blue and his left was brown. Both twinkled happily as he straightened. Akira copied her brother's bow, her slightly longer bangs falling across her eyes: the right eye brown, the left blue.

"Nice to meet you," Akira said.

"So where do we start?" Akito clapped his hands together.

Tsunade pulled a list from the papers off her desk that had names and pictures. "These are your targets. Do whatever you need to make this town have some fun!"

"We'll have to ask you a few questions and get some supplies." Akira said, taking the list. "Are there any men who used to be a ladies' man but no longer is? Preferably one who has a family now."

"Inoichi Yamanaka had a few trysts on missions back in the day before he met Chigusa."

"I don't see an Inoichi on here."

"His daughter, Ino, is on the list though."

"Perfect. Now we just need supplies and we'll kick off our first plan." Akito scanned the list over his twin's shoulder.

"Shizune, get them whatever they need!" Tsunade happily popped open a bottle of sake.

"For now, we need a puppy, Yamanaka-san's wife, and an eight year old." Akira rattled the supplies off then nodded to herself. Shizune gaped at her.

"A puppy? An eight year old?"

"Yes, please. And Tsunade, we need a definite time on one of these trysts that you know he did not keep in touch with."

"Why?"

"All will be explained. We have our crew setting up cameras all over the town and in each house and vehicle as we speak." Akito crossed his arms.

"Isn't that illegal?" Shizune blurted, knowing the answer.

"Of course, but this is for the Hokage's personal amusement and possible future blackmail." Akira smiled indulgently, as if Shizune was a naive child that had blundered into the conversation. "It will be well worth it."

"You heard them, Shizune! Get on those supplies." Tsunade poured herself a tall glass of sake.

"Make sure the puppy is cute." Akito winked cheekily.

Shizune exited the office, already having a bad feeling about this.


	2. Chapter 1

**Kailor: Here goes prank one!**

**Naruto: I hope it's not on me.**

**Nuriko: Oh please, let it be your turn soon.**

Shizune paused as the door of Tsunade's office opened before she could reach it. Shifting the large stack of papers in her arms she watched Akito and Chigusa Yamanaka step out.

"So, this is all right with you?" The twin asked, arm in arm with the older woman.

"Of course!" Chigusa laughed. "The man needs to have a little life put in him."

"We couldn't have done it without your information, dear. Thank you again."

"My pleasure. See you around." Chigusa waved merrily to Shizune as she passed, exiting the Hokage's tower. Akito took the papers from Shizune's arms.

"You're just in time. Where's the puppy?"

"Oh, here." She crossed to her desk where a basket sat and lifted a tiny cocker spaniel from it. The little pup's large floppy ears swung as she looked around. Her soft brown fur was spotted with white and Akito's eyes grew large.

"Oh my god, I want ittttt." He seized the puppy, cuddling it. The pup grinned its little puppy grin and licked his nose. "AKIRA, CAN WE KEEP IT?"

"No, Akito. We have too many already. Get in here! Inoichi is on his way up."

Akito sighed and carried the puppy into the office. Shizune turned back to her desk. "Hey, you. Get in here. Tsunade doesn't want you to miss out," he called back to her. Shizune sighed and returned to the office, slipping in and taking the puppy back as Akito moved two chairs to face each other in front of Tsunade's desk. Akira promptly shoved her into the small private room Tsunade used for naps and she and her brother followed.

"Tsunade, you got the note?" Akira asked.

The Hokage held up a piece of paper where Akira had scribbled something Shizune couldn't quite make out from that distance.

"Remember your lines?"

"Of course."

"Good. Just knock on the door when you're ready."

"What are we doing?" Shizune asked, deflecting the puppy kisses reaching for her mouth.

"Waiting for the signal." Akira shut the door. "Oh, there you are kid."

Shizune turned to see the eight year old she had brought in earlier. He was seated on the little couch Tsunade used for her naps and frowning at them.

"I've been stuck in here for three hours," he grumbled, hopping to his feet.

"So?" Akito said.

"So, I better be getting paid good for this." The boy stomped his foot and crossed his arms.

"Why is he even here?" Shizune asked.

"To deliver the puppy. It'll be much cuter with him doing it." Akira smiled.

"Helloooo, pay?" Undaunted from his goal, the kid glared them down.

For a moment the twins just looked at him. Then both of them broke into grins and chorused, "What's good to eat around here?"

The kid didn't even pause. "Ramen."

"Where at?" The twins spoke together again.

"Ichiraku's."

"We'll take you there." Akito nodded encouragingly.

"If you do exactly what we told you." Akira added.

"And keep the bill below our desired amount." Akito cut in.

"And don't tell anyone about today." Akira shook her finger in his face.

The kid grinned. "Gimme the puppy. I'm in." Shizune handed the precious pup over and he happily hefted her into his little arms. He was barely big enough to hold the large puppy without leaning back for balance and the puppy's feet dangled to his knees, kicking playfully as she nipped at his chin and he giggled. The twins were right. The scene was absolutely adorable.

"Inoichi, come in." Tsunade's voice cut over them and the twins raised a finger to their lips simultaneously. Akito quickly turned to the small tv in the corner and turned it on. A clear image of Tsunade's office filled the screen and Shizune could only stare. She'd seen tvs before and videos but they didn't have many in Konoha and none with such a clear picture. The four of them settled onto the couch to watch.

Inoichi nervously entered the office, glancing around to make sure he and the Hokage were alone. "You called, Hokage-sama?"

"I think in this situation you may just call me Tsunade, Inoichi. I have something very important to tell you." Tsunade actually looked nervous too. She motioned to the two chairs facing each other and Inoichi took one as she sat cross from him. "Inoichi, I've known you for many years. Since long before I came back to Konoha. Hell, almost since we were kids." She pursed her lips a moment, thinking. "Well, since you were a kid. I was older." The man simply stared at her. "Back to the point." Tsunade pulled the paper from her pocket and looked down at it, as if debating whether or not to give it to him. "Do you remember your years as a, uh, ladies' man? All the girls you took aside during missions?"

Inoichi blushed furiously. "T-those days are long behind me. I was a stupid kid."

"Yes, well...maybe I should read this to you." Tsunade sat up straight, biting her lip. "We found it at the front gate yesterday morning and I've debated how to handle this. Don't worry, though. I'm the only one that knows." Inoichi nodded, a bit of a tremor in his hands.

The Hokage cleared her throat and began to read. "Dear Inoichi Yamanaka, You don't know me but you are my daddy. I was born in Grass country and I've been looking for you for awhile now. I don't mean to tell you like this but I thought you should have a little warning because I am coming to Konoha to meet you soon. My name is Annie and I can't wait to see you. Your daughter, Annie."

Inoichi's color had fled and he sat, pale, staring at the Hokage. Finally his mouth opened but nothing came out. Tsunade quickly handed him a cup of sake and he downed it in a quick gasp. "Oh my...Oh what do I tell Chigusa? What do I tell Ino?" He leapt from his chair and began to pace the office, running his hands through his hair. "I haven't been to the Grass in twenty-three years. I don't even remember who I was with there! What do I tell this girl when I meet her? I don't even know who her mother was!" He froze. "Chigusa is going to kill me."

"Calm, Inoichi." Tsunade took his arm, leading him back to his chair. "There's more." Inoichi's look of utter terror was immediate. "Inoichi, Annie is already here." The man's jaw dropped and he clutched the arms of his chair.

"Where?"

"Right in that room." Tsunade indicated the door to her nap room. "Are you ready?"

For a moment Inoichi sat still, holding his stomach which was no doubt roiling in fear. "Y-yes. I think...I think so. Just do it."

Tsunade stood and crossed the room slowly. Inoichi shifted uncomfortably in his chair. The Hokage stopped at the door and knocked lightly.

Inside the room, Akito ushered the eight year old to go answer the door and he and Akira pulled Shizune against the wall, hidden from view of the office. Shizune glanced back at the tv as the little boy shifted the dog so he could open the door.

In the office, Inoichi flinched as the door opened. Then the boy stepped through it, clutching the grinning puppy. His eyebrows drew together in confusion as the boy placed the puppy in his lap. Tsunade could no longer hide her grin. "Inoichi, this is Annie."

For a moment the Yamanaka just sat still, staring at the puppy in his lap. She looked back up at him, little tongue lolling out. She reached up and pawed his shirt, her stubby tail wagging so hard it threw her rear back and forth. Then he looked up at Tsunade and a grin spread across his face. "You BITCH!"

Tsunade burst out laughing, clutching her ribs. "Inoichi, your face was so priceless! Oh god, ahahahahaha!"

Inoichi grabbed his chair with one hand and the puppy with his other and threw the chair at the laughing blonde. She dodged neatly, still laughing.

"Oh, god." Tsunade clutched her stomach, crying as she laughed. "I'm sorry, Inoichi. I had to. You deserved a little punishment for those old days!"

"You are such an ass, Tsunade! I can't believe I fell for it! If you weren't Hokage I'd kill you!"

"Hee hee hee, oh too funny. Can't breathe. Ahahahahahaha."

Shizune couldn't surpress a smile as she turned to the twins. Akito and Akira grinned at her. "This was a very small prank to start things off." Akito said.

"It gets MUCH more devious from here on out." Akira smirked, rubbing her hands together. In the office Inoichi was still yelling through his laughter and Tsunade was laying on the floor gasping for air.

Annie happily licked her new daddy's hand and kicked her tiny paws.


	3. Chapter 2

**Kailor: By the way, all the things that happen in here (prank-wise) have really happened to us or we've really done. :D**

**Naruto: We're so screwed.**

**Nuriko: Let me get the popcorn.**

Akira grumbled as Akito dragged her down the hall to Tsunade's office. "I want to go back and change. I hate these pants."

"They look great. Shut up."

"But the pockets go all the way to the zipper! Who the hell needs that much pocket space? Look!" She shoved their room keys into her left pocket and moved her hand all the way to the inside of the pocket. "It looks like I have a dick or something! Let me go change!"

"No, we're late already. Come on. Today's gonna be great!"

The twins barged into Tsunade's office, not bothering to knock. The Hokage looked up from her bottle of sake. "Oh, good morning. What's on the agenda today?"

"Well," Akito said. "Today we want to go out on the town and get to know some of the people and places. Plus we owe that brat lunch. Where'd he go?"

"Home, I assume."

"What was his name?"

"I never asked."

"Me either."

"It's Jiro." Tsunade cut the twins off. "He lives a few blocks that way in the only house with a pink door." She pointed out the window. "Have fun. I'll be watching." With an evil grin, she nodded to the spare room where she'd set up all the tvs that would channel the cameras' feeds. The twins said their goodbyes and exited the tower, searching for the house with the pink door.

When they finally found it, the boy was sitting outside playing with a large, fuzzy cat with a big red bow on its ear. His face lit up as they approached. "Hey! You guys gonna take me to get ramen now?"

"That's why we're here, kid." Akira said, grinning. "Lead the way."

The three of them trekked through town. Jiro chattered as they walked and the twins canvased the place for possible pranks in the future. As they approached the ramen hut a blonde guy rushed past them, followed immediately by a pink-haired kunoichi waving a tree branch.

"Naruto! Give me back my wallet! I'm not buying you ramen!"

"Oh, come on, Sakura! You have more money than I do!"

Akira cast a look at Akito, her mismatched eyes widening for a moment. Akito nodded. Possible targets sighted.

When they entered the hut and settled down at the bar they saw the blonde triumphantly ordering a bowl of miso while the pink-haired girl fumed beside him. The blonde then noticed the newcomers. "Hi! I'm Naruto Uzumaki!"

Akira, taken aback by his blast of energy, simply waved. Akito matched his tone and volume immediately. "Hey! We're Akito and Akira F-from the Water. Akito and Akira Merlin." He ignored the look Akira threw him. "We're new in town!"

Naruto, seemingly shocked by the new guy's fervor, blinked at him. "Oh, do you have missions set up yet?"

"No," Akira answered. "Tsunade said there's not really much going on right now."

"Well, you're going to need money, aren't you? Even the oddest jobs pay alright." Naruto thought for a second. "Why don't you come on my next mission with me?"

"You don't even know us," Akira pointed out.

"Well, I could get to know you! My mission is this afternoon. I have to ride to Suna with this old lady so she doesn't get lost or fall asleep at the wheel or something. It pays pretty good considering. Ask Tsunade if you can join me!"

"We will," Akito replied before his twin could say anything.

They fed Jiro, walked him home, then went back to Tsunade's office.

"So Naruto wants you to go with him, huh? It's a good idea. The kid's a born prankster. Maybe he can help you two in the future. The mission's pretty much that you ride in the old lady's van and keep her company. She's the old Hokage's cousin or something like that so take good care of her." Tsunade immediately sent them off to meet Naruto and the old lady at the gateway out of town.

They arrived first and Akira leaned back against the gate door, crossing her arms. The gate guard that day was a woman with black hair. Akito started chattering about the village and such and Akira pretty much tuned him out. Until he said something that really caught her attention.

"Uh, Akira? You have a uh-a kinda-um a bulge." He averted his eyes as he vaguely indicated her crotch.

The girl looked down and saw their room keys had sidled over to the deep inside of her pocket, making it look very, very awkward. She stuck her hand into her pocket to fix the situation and noticed she wasn't the only one looking at it. The gate guard's eyes grew wide as she realized Akira had noticed her looking.

Unable to stop herself, Akira put on a cocky smirk and left the keys where they were. "You know, I...usually tuck it into my sock, but I'm not wearing socks today."

The guard's jaw fell open. She scuttled away into the guard house immediately.

"Akira!" Akito reprimanded, laughing as he swatted her arm.

"What? She was staring at my dick!" Akira complained.

"Your what?" Naruto joined them.

Akito simply burst into laughter, hanging onto the gate for support. Akira turned red and punched him hard in the gut. "Nothing. Where's Ms. Sorrel?"

"Right here, little lady." A van stopped beside them and the old woman in the driver's seat smiled at them. "Hop on in, you three. I warn you now, though, I have a very weak bladder, so expect frequent stops."

The trip was pretty quiet and uneventful until they were about halfway to Suna. The engine suddenly sputtered and died. Ms. Sorrel managed to get it to coast onto the shoulder of the road and the four of them hopped out to see what was wrong.

"The thing's nearly as old as I am." Ms. Sorrel sighed. "Let's try pushing her until I can pop the clutch back in and start her up."

The three teenagers braced themselves against the back of the van and began pushing. Ms. Sorrel tried to pop the clutch but couldn't get it. She was just about to switch places with one of the three in back when another vehicle pulled over across the road from them.

A man with huge eyebrows and a horrible bowl-cut hairstyle hopped out, grinning toothily at them. "Need some help?"

"Gai-sensei!" Naruto greeted the man. "You're just in time. If you push, we can get the clutch popped into place and start the van up."

"Oh, no, no. Let me get the clutch. They can be tricky. That's why i drive automatics myself." So Gai hopped into the drivers seat and Ms. Sorrel joined the others pushing.

"Why is the biggest guy-ugh-popping the clutch instead of-grrr-pushing?" Akito growled.

"Gai's weird. Just push." Naruto whispered shortly. They were now up to nearly fifteen miles per hour, pushing for all they were worth.

"Hey," Gai's voice suddenly called back to them. "Which way do I turn the key?"

Ms. Sorrel bust into laughter. Remembering her weak bladder, she quickly squatted down to try and stop from pissing herself. Gai, seeing the old lady disappear from the rearview mirror and thinking something had happened to her, slammed the brakes.

Akito, Akira, and Naruto all ran smack into the back window with hard thudding sounds. This caused Ms. Sorrel to laugh even harder and despite her best efforts, she could no longer hold her bladder.

Gai jumped out of the van and found the whole group laying on the ground, the old woman laughing like a hyena and the three teenagers groaning in pain. "What happened?" he asked. This sent Ms. Sorrel into another fit of laughter and Naruto flipped the man off.

The rest of the mission was just as bad. They finally got the van running, were forced to ride the rest of the way with an old woman who smelled like pee, and their faces never really stopped stinging from their up-close look at the rear window. When Ms. Sorrel departed they took the van back to Konoha, trying their best to let it air out.

It was nighttime when they finally reached the Hokage's tower to report on the mission. Tsunade and Shizuna listened intently but both were shaking from silent and violent laughter. The moment Naruto left, the two fell out of their chairs, clutching each other as they cried from the pains in their ribs.

"It's not that funny!" Akira snapped.

"Oh, my. You're right." Tsunade wiped her eyes, still chuckling. She then very pointedly looked at Akira's crotch.

The girl quickly caught on. "QUIT LOOKING AT MY DICK!"

This started another fit of laughter and the female twin glared at her cackling brother and employer.

Maybe this job wasn't such a good idea.


End file.
